Good Bye Sweet Abby

  These pictures were taken 8-21-2011, when we thought Abby wouldn't be with us much longer, due to kidney failure.  But she stayed with us for another month, time we cherished.  They were bittersweet days of loving her, knowing our time left together was short. Now it all seems too short.  The seven years went so fast.  It wasn't long enough, but I am thankful God gave us the gift of Abby even if it was only for a while.  I just can't figure out how to say goodbye...
    She left us on Saturday, September 23rd, 2011, slipping away peacefully as Dustin and I held her.  She had let us know she had had enough.  Enough of the seizures, enough of the pain, she was done.  It was time for us to do the right thing for her and give her back to God.  But it was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I petted her soft yellow head and whispered that I loved her as she left us.  Did she hear me, did she know how very special she was to us, how much we adored her?
    Now I look for her everywhere; by her food dishes, in the splash of sunshine on the stairs, on the soft blanket by the window where she loved to sleep.  Sometimes I forget, and I talk to her, or open the door for her to come upstairs, but she's not there.  And then I remember, and the pain washes over me again.
  Today I got out some chicken for a sandwich and saw the piece that I tore when I gave her some bites on Saturday, the last bites she ate.  And the pain comes again.  Waves and waves of sorrow that feel unbearable.  I can't believe I have any tears left, but they are endless.
    Abby, I want you back.  I want to hold you and feel your soft purr as I stroke your sweet little body.  I want to brush you with the cat brush you loved so much.  I want to see your little paws under the bathroom door as you insist on being with me, even when I would like privacy.  I will let you in, like always, and pet you as you rub my legs.  I want to spoon with you in the flannel sheets, even though it takes you forever to settle down because you have to drink from my water first. And I will never get mad if you tip it over. I want to share my chicken with you.  I want to share my life with you.  I will always share my love with you.  Thank you for loving me Abby. 
   Sleep well, sweet girl, and be ready to play when I get there.  I will bring your favorite toy.
 

Where Have I Been?

   Well, maybe I shouldn't have asked God to bring on the challenges that help us grow, because He must have thought, "Okay, you asked for it....".  2011 has brought us some major glitches in how we thought our life was "supposed" to go. 
   The first one hit us right away, in January, when Shauna and Noah separated.  It is very hard to see your daughter heartbroken.  Perhaps God had prepared me for this so many years ago, because I knew very well the pain she was feeling.  That's the thing about going through tough times.  They give you compassion and insight into other's pain.  As we walked with Shauna through those first really difficult weeks, we said a lot of prayer. 
    So often, things have to get worse before they get better, and it seemed to just keep getting worse.  Divorce papers were filed, police were involved, restraining orders were obtained, court appearances made.  So much ugliness and stress and sadness and grief.  I may have shed nearly as many tears as Shauna did.  And I just wished I could make it different for the boys.  I grieved (and am still grieving) that they will not grow up in a household with both of their parents.  I grieved for their sadness, and the inability of their little brains to understand what was happening and why their world had been turned upside down. I prayed that all the adults in the boys' lives could just put the boys needs first and foremost.  If we could all just do that, I think they will be okay.
    They seem to be used to the arrangement now.  They know that Sundays and Mondays are "Daddy Days" and saying goodbye to Daddy isn't as hard as it was in the beginning, because they know they will see him again soon. Time is a great healer.
   We hope the divorce, the legal portion, will be over soon and everyone can move on to find happiness.  I don't have any experience with divorce (thank you Lord), but I am learning as we continue to walk alongside Shauna and the boys.  I continue to pray for God's guidance and wisdom for each step of the way.  And that hearts will be healed, and forgiveness and GRACE will prevail. 
   Grace was the word I chose for 2011.  The word that I wanted to guide my actions this year. The word I wanted God to teach me about.  I didn't do so well in the beginning, but I am starting to get it Lord.