Trying to Fill the Hole in our Hearts

   This little girl is helping us fill the huge hole left in our hearts and our lives by the loss of our sweet Abby.  After a failed attempt to find a cat at the Humane Society in Bellevue, we came home empty-handed.  I called Petco to see if just maybe the little orange and white kitten I had seen the day before was still there, even though she had been on hold.  Surprise!  She was still there and her name was Libby!  It seemed like she was meant to be ours.  They agreed to hold her until the next morning for us, since we were headed to a wedding that night.
   So on Sunday morning, October 9th, Dustin, Jenna and I headed to Petco to pick up our new baby.  The minute we held her she began to purr wildly, and we fell in love.  She is only three months old, and just the most loving kitten I have ever met.  She loves everyone and purrs almost constantly.  I feel as though God sent her to us to ease our pain.  While we still love and miss Abby terribly, the vacuum she left is now filled with the pitterpatter of little kitten feet, and a soft, warm, purring body in our laps.

  Even Kirk ("no more cats") is smitten with her.  That first night, she cuddled up on his lap, and he smiled through tears, announcing her "perfect".  And Libby does seem to be the perfect blend of playfulness and affection.  She plays hard, making us laugh at her crazy antics, then crashes, and sleeps sweetly in our arms. 

   I bought her a cat bed/house and she loves to bathe and sleep on top of it.  Sometimes she will get inside and hang out to play with her scratching post toy.

  She loves her pink feather ball on a "fishing pole" and her laser chaser.  She will race after the laser dot until she is panting and her little heart is just racing, then crash on her bed to recharge.
   We all are just crazy about her and so thankful to have another little girl to love.  Abby will always have a place in our hearts, but there is room in there for Libby too.

Good Bye Sweet Abby

  These pictures were taken 8-21-2011, when we thought Abby wouldn't be with us much longer, due to kidney failure.  But she stayed with us for another month, time we cherished.  They were bittersweet days of loving her, knowing our time left together was short. Now it all seems too short.  The seven years went so fast.  It wasn't long enough, but I am thankful God gave us the gift of Abby even if it was only for a while.  I just can't figure out how to say goodbye...
    She left us on Saturday, September 23rd, 2011, slipping away peacefully as Dustin and I held her.  She had let us know she had had enough.  Enough of the seizures, enough of the pain, she was done.  It was time for us to do the right thing for her and give her back to God.  But it was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I petted her soft yellow head and whispered that I loved her as she left us.  Did she hear me, did she know how very special she was to us, how much we adored her?
    Now I look for her everywhere; by her food dishes, in the splash of sunshine on the stairs, on the soft blanket by the window where she loved to sleep.  Sometimes I forget, and I talk to her, or open the door for her to come upstairs, but she's not there.  And then I remember, and the pain washes over me again.
  Today I got out some chicken for a sandwich and saw the piece that I tore when I gave her some bites on Saturday, the last bites she ate.  And the pain comes again.  Waves and waves of sorrow that feel unbearable.  I can't believe I have any tears left, but they are endless.
    Abby, I want you back.  I want to hold you and feel your soft purr as I stroke your sweet little body.  I want to brush you with the cat brush you loved so much.  I want to see your little paws under the bathroom door as you insist on being with me, even when I would like privacy.  I will let you in, like always, and pet you as you rub my legs.  I want to spoon with you in the flannel sheets, even though it takes you forever to settle down because you have to drink from my water first. And I will never get mad if you tip it over. I want to share my chicken with you.  I want to share my life with you.  I will always share my love with you.  Thank you for loving me Abby. 
   Sleep well, sweet girl, and be ready to play when I get there.  I will bring your favorite toy.
 

Where Have I Been?

   Well, maybe I shouldn't have asked God to bring on the challenges that help us grow, because He must have thought, "Okay, you asked for it....".  2011 has brought us some major glitches in how we thought our life was "supposed" to go. 
   The first one hit us right away, in January, when Shauna and Noah separated.  It is very hard to see your daughter heartbroken.  Perhaps God had prepared me for this so many years ago, because I knew very well the pain she was feeling.  That's the thing about going through tough times.  They give you compassion and insight into other's pain.  As we walked with Shauna through those first really difficult weeks, we said a lot of prayer. 
    So often, things have to get worse before they get better, and it seemed to just keep getting worse.  Divorce papers were filed, police were involved, restraining orders were obtained, court appearances made.  So much ugliness and stress and sadness and grief.  I may have shed nearly as many tears as Shauna did.  And I just wished I could make it different for the boys.  I grieved (and am still grieving) that they will not grow up in a household with both of their parents.  I grieved for their sadness, and the inability of their little brains to understand what was happening and why their world had been turned upside down. I prayed that all the adults in the boys' lives could just put the boys needs first and foremost.  If we could all just do that, I think they will be okay.
    They seem to be used to the arrangement now.  They know that Sundays and Mondays are "Daddy Days" and saying goodbye to Daddy isn't as hard as it was in the beginning, because they know they will see him again soon. Time is a great healer.
   We hope the divorce, the legal portion, will be over soon and everyone can move on to find happiness.  I don't have any experience with divorce (thank you Lord), but I am learning as we continue to walk alongside Shauna and the boys.  I continue to pray for God's guidance and wisdom for each step of the way.  And that hearts will be healed, and forgiveness and GRACE will prevail. 
   Grace was the word I chose for 2011.  The word that I wanted to guide my actions this year. The word I wanted God to teach me about.  I didn't do so well in the beginning, but I am starting to get it Lord.

Happy 2011!

   Wow that is the first time I have written 2011.  Seems like just yesterday we were getting used to 2000, and now it's another new decade!  This last year has just gone by so quickly.  They seem to go faster and faster the older we get! 

   2010 was the year of all the baby's Firsts.  All those first holidays, as well as first teeth, first steps, first words.  Wow, so much growth and development going on!  All four of the boys are so sweet and lovable and it is such a joy and a blessing to watch them grow.  When they are all here, it is noisy, chaotic, and wonderfully exhausting.  Here they all are on December 18th, when we had our "French Christmas."
    Trying to get them all in the same picture is difficult, but not impossible.  Getting them all looking the same direction involves several people behind the camera, all jumping around and yelling, which would be a funny picture in itself.  Getting them all looking the same direction, and smiling too, IS impossible.  We settle for all within the frame of the same picture. 
    The sequence of all the pictures is hysterical.  I have many series of shots that just crack me up.  Someday we should make a video of our photo shoots.  It would be great laughs down the road.
    So what will the New Year bring?  I am looking forward to sharing another year with the family I love.  Do I have any goals?  Why yes, I do. 
1.  Finally lose that 30 lbs I need to shed.
2.  Eat healthier (lots of fruits and veggies every day!)
3.  Get in the best shape of my life for my 55th birthday (exercise program!)
4.  Organize, declutter and simplify in all areas of my life
5.  Thank God every day for the blessings of my life
    These are mostly external goals, but I want to change on the inside too. I want God to continue to shape and mold me into the person He wants me to be. That is often painful, but I welcome it. 
  [ Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.    James 1:2]
   So come on 2011, I am ready for you!  The good stuff, the bad stuff, and everything in between. 
   [I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13]
   And don't let me forget that!